Silent Regrets

I know I’m not alone in the world. I have so many people in my corner. Being happy is relatively easy when you have love and support. What so many others do not realize is that everyday I think and relive past events in my head. Yes I relive beautiful memories and have precious thoughts of my children and my family and friends. But the other memories that seep in want to undermine me. The thoughts of my past can be so consuming. Please don’t misunderstand, I’ve had a good life if not spoiled a bit. It’s just these thoughts. No amount of happiness can push them away. I’ve certainly tried plenty of self induced remedies. Which only led me to create personal regrets and shame. So now I have all this shame from my actions that I wish I could remove from my life. I wonder about how people must have thought about me. It makes me crazy to think I left behind an unhappy thought. I truly don’t feel like I intentionally set out to hurt anyone except myself. I hurt my body and my sol. I certainly damaged relationships due to my obsession with forgetting. The need to fog my thoughts and the reality of never fully achieving that goal consumed me. I could be participating in a seemingly typical activity and BAM!! Fucked up memory splashes through my brain. How unfair?! I left you in the past why can’t you stay there? Why can’t I forget? Why won’t my mind LET IT GO? It’s almost like a deja vu where I relive the same emotions of that memory. It could be a smell that reminds me or a street or a buliding. I want my thoughts to be at peace. I want to truly find solace in my current life. The life I subjected my body and spirit to in the past doesn’t fit into this life. I’ve evolved in a way i suppose. I don’t blame myself for the things that began all the pain and heart break. I don’t think I had the correct tools to manage my spinning thoughts and consuming rage. I always had a disadvantage when it came to normal. Everyone assumed I was normal. But I wasn’t! I wanted to shout ‘DON’T YOU KNOW!!’. Now as an adult I realize there is no such thing as normal. We all have events that change us, sculpt and push us into the  beings we are today. If advice could be given toward any of this it would be to NOT try your own way, thinking that you can do it alone. Ask for help. The mind in tricky. Because I chose to not talk about my pain I allowed myself to create even more issues within my life that could have been avoided. Be honest with yourself. Living with secrets and regrets can lead you down a dangerous path. I was lucky to see the fork in the road!

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2 thoughts on “Silent Regrets

  1. “But the other memories that seep in want to undermine me.” What an impeccable way to describe it. You’re right, that’s all they’re there for. To try to keep us down. If only it were so easy as to just ‘let it go.’ Alas, we shall keep trying. No need to let the guilt of failed attempts at getting better team up with the bad memories! I love you so much!

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